Roads remembered

I think we all are born with a develop certain gifts. Some of these gifts we use and sometimes we don't acknowledge some of our gifts. Maybe because we're told they aren't gifts and sometimes because the world doesn't consider then gifts, who knows, maybe even for monitory reasons. We all different in what we receive and acknowledge, but that really isn't the beauty of it. The beauty comes when we acknowledge and accept the gifts that another has been given as equally important.

For years I remember questioning if I was a Christian. Then for many years I just forgot about it. I vividly remember to this day one certain time, one which would set me on a different course. In the school auditorium, about seventh grade, certainly no later than the eighth. I believe the seventh though. It was asked that all Christians hold up their hand. This was some kind of meeting, nothing religious, but I don't remember what it was about. What I do remember is starting to raise my hand, then I placed it back down. I got a few strange looks and some I don't think really cared.

Now, years later I still remember that day. I don't recall specific details of others, just myself. I raised my hand and got some weird looks, so I lowered it. I still got strange looks from the same people. To date I still remember who a few of them were and the looks on their faces. There I sat, a million things hit at once, all were trivial as I see today.

I had long hair and a scraggly beard (I was young and trying to grow one). I rode a motorcycle and back in the seventies movies had portrayed all bikers as bad, especially those with long hair. I partied a little, and hung out at the pool hall which was known for drugs and being a rough place. I had tried pot and while many of my friends liked it, I just wasn't crazy about it. Still, I was accused of it, and after a while I figured whatever, so I let sleeping dogs lie.

I didn't grow up in church, but we went a few times a year. When I was a kid I had never heard of Mother Goose, Annie or Papa would read us something from the Bible though. We didn't have a clue what they were talking about, but it stuck. We were taught right from wrong and Christian values. Still, when I would ride my bike to church, as I sat there, I got very strange peers from many sitting there. Sometimes even points and occasionally hear whispers from adults about me. Their kids done things I would not have considered doing, but they looked like clean cut kids. These were the kids who stared intensely when I both raised my hand the lowered it that day. One could say damned if you do and damned if you don't.

Looking back now I still can't help but wonder, did they actually see me. Did they actually see anything past their own false glory? The only thing I am sure about is that God saw me. It effected me so much that day that the next opportunity that came I raised my hand, and I raised it high! I still didn't go to church. My hair was longer and I had a decent beard, full and unkept. To "them" I probably looked like crap sitting there, but that was ok with me. I felt inside like a weight was lifted because to Jesus I looked good. To me, I felt good.

It would be years though before I would go back to church regularly, and only to be interrupted again. I quite well remember that day as well. At the end of the service the preacher met as people exited the building to shake hands. He smiled as he shook my hand and whispered, "You need to get both feet in or both feet out." We only went for preaching. I worked all the time and wasn't off to attend on Wednesday nights and slept late on Sundays, so I didn't go to Bible Study in the mornings and by evening I didn't go, I rested for the week ahead. I just wanted to hear the preaching. I backed up and before I thought my response was, "Well Hell, thats not a problem now is it." Even unto this day I've never went regularly. I do listen to preachers on the Web and on a radio station called 106.9 The Light.

Over the years I've read, listened to different preachers. I've explored my Cherokee (I have no problem with) roots and looked at different religions. Guess I've been around the block a time or two, but I'm home now, and it is good. Though I still have to watch my mouth, gets a bit nasty sometimes. Still, I have no quarrel with most beliefs. They could be no more lost than I was. Thankfully I had people there that showed forth a light in my darkness.

Looking back at the ones that were presented as Christians, I allowed them to stand in my way. It wasn't their fault but a fault in me. There are a lot of things that one can do wrong and by far the worse is to allow those who stand at the gates and can't pass themselves so they keep others from going. It was my own weakness and lack of faith that I fell away. I thank God that I finally figured this out, or was shown it.

Over the years there were those that God has placed in our lives that impact us. For me one of which was the late Deane Harrison, probably the greatest teacher and one of the smartest people I've even had the honor of occupying the same space as. This lady commanded respect from those of us who respected nothing without asking. If she had never spoken a word, though her actions, deeds, mannerisms... she screamed loudly, I have a peace, a love, and faith. She reached out to people that nobody would. To the day she died, I'm not sure if she even realized just how many people she helped when the world had given up on.

Mrs Harrison as well as so many others were there, bet we all can think of a few. Christians that didn't tell you every breath that they were Christian, but they would should you ask. Then again, you never had to ask, it showed in their actions. You hear a lot about you can't work your way to Heaven, but that is not entirely truth. The truth is, you are expected to be known through your works.

This is repeated over and over again and again in the Bible. A tree shall be known by it's fruit. Somehow this gets lost in translation. Personally I think it is Satan. If you can't defeat the enemy from a direct attack then infiltrate. He seems to have quite well done that.

So to this day I place total faith in no man, nor myself, but totally in God and Jesus. I still have many, many faults... but I'm working on them. Rather than base God on man, I base God on God, for none of us compares. For a time I based what God requires on what I call gatekeepers, those that cannot pass yet stop others. Thing is, they have no power over you except that which God allows.

For a time I too wondered why does God do this or that? Why does God allow this or that? I still don't know but I sure hope that Job was the worse of the tests. I'm not sure I could withstand that, I pray I could, but I really don't want to see. Something to think about there when someone says God use me. I am reminded of something an old Indian Chief once said, "It's easy to be brave... from a distance."

I figure there are moments in our life that determine the path we take. Hollywood would have us believe it is always a big event, but it isn't more than it is. It is usually a moment that passes unrecognized until later. It will make a scar, but it passes so quickly that it may numb one for a while. Small, unnoticeable moments.

Here is how powerful we are. Only us alone can determine which path and once on that path, can correct it if it's wrong. I was off track most of my life, still am in some ways, but thank God that He placed those throughout my life that waited for me. You see, I am important to God, but no more important than anyone else.

I spoke recently with the author a a very good book only to see that he was wrong on a certain aspect about God. He tried to rationalize how God is one yet loves three way as we do. Did I argue, no. Through death I learned one thing that I cherish. God's love is not like ours. His love surpasses what we can achieve here in this realm. His love is so much that to this day I can't begin to explain it. No words can and no actions here can. He don't have degrees or types of love, it is a total, complete, consuming, warm, equal love. Imagine if you suddenly had everything you wanted... everything. The feeling you would have still pales in comparison. That don't even do it justice, but it is the only way I know to put it.

So we come to now. I have had those who said my heart attack and two cancers were a punishment, while others say a test. Some will say from the devil while others say from God. Some say from my previous lifestyle, yet I've seen others that led worse ones still doing good. I have no idea who or why, and I really don't care. Whoever or whatever, it has brought me back home. It would be a lie to say I liked it, equally it would be a lie to say I didn't deserve it. The biggest lie though would be to say I didn't need it. It isn't until we lose it all that we find it all.

So who am I to write this? Nobody really, just a guy setting back, trying to build energy for a surgery tomorrow. My body is weak from a flu that lasted until yesterday and my body still aches. Maybe I should put off the surgery as some have suggested until I regain strength, but I think not. Tomorrow a machine will breathe for me. Skilled people will work on me. Prayers will be prayed. I will fight my breath once again. In the end though, God has the final call. If I awake here, good. If I awake there, great. It is well. Either way the world will continue, and so will I.

I've seen more people draw their last breath than I care to over the years. I've watched people die in peace, and I've watched them die in agony. I am at peace. The world seems to be going to Hell in a hand basket, yet I remain at peace. Come what may, I am at peace in my heart. Something that all the stuff I bought, sold, money I've made couldn't bring me. It was never enough. As crazy as it may sound to some, God is enough.

My kids say (other than snakes and bridges) that I don't fear, but they are wrong. I fear no man or no thing that is on earth or the heavens or below. What I do fear is being who I was and what I was, a man in search of something, but he doesn't know what. I fear the one that can kill the soul. But again, I have that control. All that can be done is death of the body, nothing more. We each have the power though of our soul. Go figure.

When I see preachers preaching messages of hate, or those who claim to be Christian talking hate, those I fear for. I fear that one day their hate may seduce me as it seems to have seduced so many. Make your peace. Forgive. Love. If nothing else it boggles the enemies mind. The message that I think Jesus proclaims in the Bible, love, forgiveness, faith. Be that light that shines so that others will want what you are given. Be the change you want to see. When somebody falls, don't point, reach out a helping hand.

So maybe it all comes down to this, maybe not, God will determine that. Thing is, all is well. So who am I? It's not who am I but who I am not. I'm not a choirboy. I'm not a smart man. I'm not a man caught up in dogma. I'm not a perfect man. Most importantly, I'm not a man who walks alone anymore. Anybody can have this, but they have to search and ask for themselves. I use to think people that thought like this were either crazy or desperate. I was wrong.