Wednesday, August 26, 2015

Welcome To The New

   For those of us who have had a bad health event, and those who are getting older, welcome to the new. I spent most of my life as a workaholic. People have many hobbies, mine was working, except I didn't see it as working most of the time. Reflecting back I am sometimes amazed at what all got done around here. There was and is however a cost that goes along with it, family time. The way I saw it was we all benefited from my laborious lifestyle. It was much easier to give or make or repair things than to give of myself, and I see that now. In the old days when we were mostly a farming country that wouldn't be bad, they took their kids with them. I done that too except I was never patient, UPS had taught me to count not the minutes, but the seconds. "Trim the seconds and the minutes will take care of themselves." This to me made sense. I came from a family of workaholics so naturally it would make sense. The biggest difference was they allowed time for me to learn. Over the years I learned Carpentry, Electrician work, Masonry, Electronics, Plumbing, Gardening, Farming, some Auto mechanics, Incubation, and a little Auto Body. Honestly I would still have that pace if possible, it was all I knew.

  Then at 44 I had the heart attack. I recovered well from it but I don't think things ever go back as they were, physically, mentally, spiritually. Then, 7 months later they found I had a Non Hodgkin's Lymphoma. I was however close. I did not welcome the new me but fought against it. Though I never won I didn't quit so I wasn't defeated. Enter a surgery on a shoulder injury that did not go as well as we'd hoped. I lost 37% use of the arm and it was permanent. The new me was recovering but would forever change just a tad more. In the past I had been bitten by a Brown Recluse Spider and recovered well. Had a Deer Tick bite me and it brought about Lymes Disease and over a year of meds. Though my body had permanent damage one would never know it. Pernicious Anemia, again a change but again I beat it back by working with what was left. I figured I had weather the storm before and worked around what was damaged, except this time, I was effected spiritually and emotionally. There was no working around that. I, for the first time, saw me from another's eyes, and I didn't like what I saw... and still don't. We weren't done just yet though.

  In 2009 I developed, or at least it was found, Stage 3 cancer in my throat and not the slow kind or the good kind, if there is such a thing. Not by my own doing but with God's help and the ones He placed around me, I survived that too. This one however took it;s toll on me, one you can't work around no matter how hard you try. As the side effects mounted from the treatments the frustration amounted as well. I lost my strength and stamina and no matter how hard I tried, I could not rise about the damage. I had however wrote down on a blog my journey and though my grammar lacks according to the standard, I have improved. As my body failed me and I could not climb back up, I began reading. Welcome again to the new, like it or not. For the next few years I was frustrated, still am, just not as bad. Today is one of those days, so I write since I can do little else. Now at 55, I wear down even easier. I watch and listen to some talk about being  my age and full of life then I see them and they do nothing like I miss doing. There are exceptions, but the key word is exception.

   So enter in the age factor and we have a steady decline. When I was 30, even 40, I knew my life was at the most half way. That changes after 50 as one gets the signals of old age. Even if I had good health I would know that 55 is past the half way mark and one contemplates their own lifespan. At one point in my life I could do my things plus requests. Now I do well for one and not both. Perhaps it is God's way of using nature to tell us we have to give of what we have the most of... ourselves. Somehow that doesn't seem enough, yet it is. We have believed and lived a lie. We look back at past events that have occurred and suddenly realize that it was just a bump, a glitch in the system. Fires seem like   sparks for the most part.

  As I get older my waist thickens and my muscles decline. My hair no longer is thick as it thins nor my beard the texture it once was. I hurt in places I didn't even know I have as the glory and ignorance of youth becomes the regrets of old age. My eyesight dims at distant objects and fuzzes close ones too. I am old, not dead but old and I am made aware when I go for that second breath after hitting a wall, only to see it is not there. The mind is most willing but the body is not. I see a beautiful lady and think that is a pretty girl and do not desire her. When I look in the mirror I no longer think I look ok, then look at my wife and wonder what she sees in me. I no longer desire fleeting things, drama or excitement... I just want peace and calm. There are few conquests apart to just be. My experiences, though they were not all good have developed me to who and what I am and am not. I see my advice to the young is not wanted, as I try and spare them what I have lived. I fault them not for once they were me. I envy them not, for once I was where they are. To where I once saw myself accomplished and successful I see it was in ways and areas that over time mean not. I see my failures that were once invisible to my eyes and heart. Welcome, I hear in the whisper of the air. Welcome to the new.