Over a Year Later

So here I set, sick again with a cold, damage from two storms, and behind of getting things done, but I'm thankful. I learned to write things that I normally wouldn't say, not well, but I record them anyway. I think that made a big difference doing that during the treatments. I never expected anybody much to read the throat cancer blog, but it slowly gained readers. Through that blog I gained friends, and through those friends I gained strength.

Beginning in 2009 started what I would call as Hell on earth, not to compare it with the real Hell, but it was rough. This is the first year I can occasionally catch a glimpse of pain free days, though they be few, still there are a few. I started this morning with my wife giving me a shot of B-12 from the Pernicious Anemia I've had about 18 years now. It started right after the Lymes Disease. That was followed by I think 12 pills. Tonight I took my usual 6 or 7, whatever it is, and I am thankful.

I look like the picture of health once again, yet I know looks are deceiving. I use to see people like me that were thankful and wonder if they had brain damage. Funny how things change. In a little over a year I lost my pride, hair, teeth, skin color, independence, resistance, and strength. Oh but what I gained in exchange. I gained in faith, belief, love, respect, humility, dependance, and stamina. I still work on those to this day.

At times I catch myself sounding like a preacher, yet I am far from that, not even in the same league. I told someone the other day that at either 10 or 12 I was saved and baptized, but at 44 He started working on me again and at 50 I was born again. I may be a hard case or late bloomer. But He never gave up on me, even when I didn't realize that I was drowning in my own self.

I have done many things I did not think possible just two years ago. My youngest daughter graduated. My youngest grandson call me Papaw. Plant a garden again. Drive my car and even ride our motorcycle, those days are limited though. In the midst of the years of Hell I said bye to my dad from a sudden stroke, but I'll see him again one day. I had a chance to say thank you and I love you for raising me when he didn't have to. He was my grandfather yet he treated me as if I was his.

Through this all I learned to have compassion for others. To forgive and to not make mountains over mole hills. More importantly, I learned top have faith and drew closer to God than I ever imagined that I could. I leaned that Jesus was and is always here if we just ask. I learned just how great the company He placed around me is, though they had always been there, I never really appreciated them as I should have. I have learned humility, and dependance, and gratefulness. I have learned just how blessed I've been and still am.

I've learned to pray, not just when I am in trouble, but when I am grateful and when I just want or need to talk. Imagine that. I barely recognize myself, and that is a good thing, but I've much, much longer to go. The more I learn the more I know I need to learn. I never, in my wildest dreams, imagined the freedom that comes along with faith in God. The peace, the love, and oddly enough, the happiness. I thought I would be this old stick in the mud, marred down in rules that would make life no fun, but I was wrong.

Some would say I have an edge through a NDE when I had my heart attack, and maybe I do. Still, I think that I grew even more from this second cancer, especially when they thought they had missed it. Many nights did I lay my head down, fighting sleep because I didn't expect to wake up. I wasn't afraid of where I would go, just that I wouldn't get to say, "See ya later" and tell everybody thank you and how much I love them. I don't miss that chance to make that said each day now, just in case.

So now I am a former shadow of what I once was, and I say Amen. I battle the damage of the treatments and it is not 100% that they got it. Again, I say Amen. With each cold, there is a chance of my throat closing off while I sleep, and it is well. For from these battles I have finally leaned to be still, and know that God is God. I finally have leaned that I have been blessed... all of my life. He loved me when I didn't love. He cared for me when I didn't care. He waited for me when I stalled. He picked me up when I fell. He believed in me when I didn't believe in anything. He gave when I only took. He carried me when I could not stand. He had mercy when I needed it the most and Grace when I didn't deserve Grace. He surrounded me with great people, all of my life. I lost me and found Him. Not that In would want to do all of this again, but I would for what I have inside now. I would for just one second to be near Him again. I am at peace now, and I say Amen.